Pessimist Interview by Oswald Knox 5/6/02

Oswald Knox: Ok, I'm here with Kell from Pessimist. How's things?
Kell: Keeping busy, we just got back from NJ Metal Meltdown and New England Metal & Hardcore Fest...our new CD "Slaughtering the Faithful" has just been released on Lost Disciple Records.
Oswald Knox: Good times. First question... would you consider your music to be "brutal?"
Kell: Definitely.
Oswald Knox: Yeah, but is it "brutal?"
Kell: Man, this new album is just brutal as fuck, it's the most brutal music we have ever recorded.
Oswald Knox: Yeah, but is it "brutal" though?
Kell: Why don't you listen and see for yourself.
Oswald Knox: OK
Oswald Knox: Next question: Noah from Skinless harbors a rabid hatred of the Swiss. As do I. Do you want to be a charter member of the Anti-Swiss Society?
Kell: No, that doesn't interest me, at all.
Oswald Knox: C'mon, the goddamn Swiss, all they do is not fight and jip us on the cheese.
Kell: Ah yes, but the cheese is indeed full of holes...what a rip-off!
Oswald Knox: I say we kill them! Kill them all!
Kell: I don't care, really. I think there are some good swiss bands...
Oswald Knox: Yeah, like not eyeseered?
Kell: Are they brutal?
Oswald Knox: Oh boy, but are they brutal. In a GAY GAY GAY Swiss kinda way!
Oswald Knox: No, you should check them out. I just think their drummer is a little... how should I say... GAY GAY GAY!
Kell: HAHAHAHA...Well, then fucking KILL THEM! But I have not heard this band....
Oswald Knox: Next question. Christina Aguilera or Jennifer Lopez?
Kell: I don't dig latin chicks that much...I guess christina, if I had to choose.
Oswald Knox: What does "Metempsychosis" mean?
Kell: Metempsychosis in general refers to reincarnation - more specifically to the various levels or "stages"of reincarnation...
Oswald Knox: Are you the reincarnation of Shirley MacLaine?
Kell: I did not realize this was a comedy mag.
Oswald Knox: Oh, no... I was serious.
Oswald Knox: If you got in a fight with Chuck Billy, who would win?
Kell: Dude, I don't think Chuck is too active these days is he?
Oswald Knox: Not really. But he's big. And he's Chuck Billy.
Oswald Knox: Is it true that you were once employed at Walt Disney world as Goofy? You wore the costume and everything?
Kell: No, that must be from your own past dude...I have worked at some fucked up jobs though, in the past.
Oswald Knox: Are you serious? I heard from a reliable source that that was true.
Kell: HAHAHAHA Yeah ok...Maybe you should check your source...do you go to disney world often?
Oswald Knox: Never. I heard Glen Benton lives in Florida, and well...
Oswald Knox: Ok, the goal now is to make it as far as the bonus round...
Oswald Knox: Speaking of jobs - I once tried out to be the original singer for Pessimist, but I didn't brush my hair enough on stage.
Kell: Hahaha, you actually saw our ex-singer brushing his hair on stage?? HAHAHA, that's hilarious.
Oswald Knox: Would it be possible for me to get an autograph for my friend Jenn? She, like, oh-MY-god, is so, like, totally, into you guys, and like, you should even like see her, like, campaigning outside of TRL for you guys, like every, like, day.
Kell: Ya, whaddya want me to just send you an autograph over the IM here...sure...
Oswald Knox: I don't know. We'll figure it out. Next question: Which Boys II Men album had the biggest effect on your life? And why?
Kell: None, because I never bought their albums and I don't listen to that shit...except for that one song about the girl is gonna do me...I like that one...smack it, flip it,, rub it down,,
Kell: What about you?
Oswald Knox: You know, the one where they sing, and then there's that harmony part, and then they sing some more? But, then is it true that we can expect a rap-crossover on your next record?
Kell: Come on dude...it's really early here...
Oswald Knox: Alright, almost done.
Kell: For the record, I HATE rap-crossover
Oswald Knox: Good enough.
Oswald Knox: But honestly, I have a serious problem here... It seems... and please, take me seriously because I don't know what to do. I... I...
Oswald Knox: ... I was baptized in blasphemy(sic). I feel like the embodiment of impurity, and during my metempsychosis, I was summoned to suffer. I feel almost... almost... stripped of immortality.
Oswald Knox: Would you sing my requiem?
Kell: Killer...don't forget the Resurrected Torment from the Infernal Abyss!
Oswald Knox: Yeah, that.
Oswald Knox: Ok, you've made it to the Final Round! This is where I fire off 5 questions. You have 15 seconds to answer each and then we'll tally your score. Deal?
Kell: go for it
Oswald Knox: Did you scream like a woman during "The Blair Witch Project"?
Kell: Yeah
Oswald Knox: Did you scream like a woman during "Dirty Dancing?"
Kell: Hahah...no
Oswald Knox: #3. How dead is Layne Staley?
Kell: Dood...He's dead. you can't get any more than that, he's the most dead you can be. maximum deadness.
Oswald Knox: You know what's awesome? They couldn't identify his body right away. You should write a song about it called "Undeterminate Expirational Identity of the Deceased."
Oswald Knox: #4 - Your favorite color?
Kell: Black, of corpse
Oswald Knox: Fifth and Final: How gay is the concept of reincarnation?
Kell: Hey we're not makin this shit up,,, you should read about it, it's not what you think
Oswald Knox: Ok... stop the clock... going back.
Oswald Knox: #1... Did you scream during "Blair Witch?" You said yes... the answer is "No, you did."
Kell: Ewww,
Oswald Knox: #2. Did you scream during "Dirty Dancing." You said no. The answer is "No, you did."
Oswald Knox: #3. How dead is Layne Staley. The answer? Wicked dead.
Kell: I should get bonus points for "maximum deadness"
Oswald Knox: #4. Favorite color, you said black. I'm sorry, no... the answer is "fuscha." "Fuscha."
Oswald Knox: And last question... Reincarnation. C'mon... how hindu is that? Really. Be serious.
Kell: Na its a bit different than reincarnation really,,, you'd have to understand
Oswald Knox: Should I call you A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada?
Oswald Knox: That's what I'm gonna call you. A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.
Oswald Knox: From Pessimist. That's your name now.
Kell: Hey I got an idea, let's do an interview sometime
Oswald Knox: Don't make me type it again. A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada from Pessimist.
Oswald Knox: Hey, thanks for the interview, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada from Pessimist, and if you want to fight me, my name is Chris "Ice-T is my Homey from Around the Way" Barnes and I can be reached at Metalblade Records.
Oswald Knox: A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada from Pessimist.
Kell: Good luck with your zine, although you may know there is already a Grimoire of Exalted Deeds
Oswald Knox: A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada from Pessimist
Oswald Knox: C'mon, say it with me... it's fun.
Oswald Knox: A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada from Pessimist
Oswald Knox: A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada from Pessimist
Oswald Knox: A what?
Kell signed off at 10:16:14 AM.
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